We're already gearing up for the Christmas party (though I might not be part of it, if I've got a new job by then). Regardless, Sarah got us to fill out 'Wish Lists' of things that we all might like to have at the Christmas Auction. We do an auction every month, with things like gift certificates for the Spaghetti Factory and the movies. But the Christmas auction will be BIG! I wished for a Nintendo Wii and a basket full of wine and cheese and chocolate. But you've got to see this list -(this is from Justin, one of the production workers):

Bottle of Gin
30 Case of Molson
Strippers
Ounce of Kush
Canuck Tickets
HD TV
Hot-tub full of Playboy Bunnies
No Dish Days for a Year

This guy cracks me up. He's not all there, but he's got a wicked sense of humor. He's once asked me, upon hearing hearing that I lived in Japan, whether I had ever "encountered Godzilla".

Excitement of the day: we got a new fax machine in the office (exactly like the old one, in fact) and we played with the plastic bags, putting them on our heads like stupid white flat chef hats. Don’t worry, mom. We were careful. No one suffocated... this time.

Here is a list of several things that I want to do. That I’m going to do. No point in feeling divided about what I should do, what I shouldn’t. No point in shoulds at all. There aren’t even any priorities, not really… I figure everything will happen within the time period that is meant to happen within. Maybe these are those “Autumn New Year’s Resolutions I was talking about...

* Learn more about celebrating Japanese holidays (loved the sense of consistent ongoing and upcoming rituals when I was living there, don’t feel so connected to the Catholic rituals that used to have a lot of meaning for me)

* Find a church/spiritual group that jives with my own whacked sense of values and goodness and compassion…I want to look further into Buddhism. Too many Christians (not all, mind you) don’t walk the talk, and I’m not willing to rejoin that flock.

* Buy a laptop computer with wireless internet.

* Start working on my CELTA pre-task. Ok, this one really is a priority.

* Own a dog! Or—we’ll start with living somewhere that I can own a dog…yeah. Maybe… it’s prissy, but I really like Papillions. And wiener dogs. Big dogs typically have better attitudes, but they eat a lot. And poop a lot… But if I get a little one, I promise I won’t dress it in ridiculous outfits. Except maybe for Halloween.

* Get a new (non-dead) camera. Go on photo-walks. I got this idea from Maggie Ann (http://mostsincerely.squarespace.com) but I realize that I used to do it all the time as a hobby when I lived in Tokushima. It was a way to really get intimate with the shapes and colours of my surroundings, instead of just taking them for granted.

* Move to a place that has an ocean nearby. And a bathtub. I’m sooooo tired of only showering all the time… it feels incomplete.

* Build a Japanese style house and garden, of my own design, from scratch. (With help, of course).

* Go to the Burning Man Festival.

* Put a bid in for painting that huge Centennial mural in my home town. That would be so much fun!

* Actually thoroughly follow all of the advice that my Naturopath has given to me.

* Laugh more. And more! AND MORE! I can do this by hanging out with more funny people. You know who you are, and you know you want to hang out sometime. Call me. (^-~)

* Pay for a haircut the next time instead of doing it myself. Knowing what I want and being able to perform the actions to get what I want – in this case, the two do not jive!

* Live abroad again.

* Buy some new socks and underwear. Get rid of some old socks and underwear, and shoes and books and knick-knacks that clutter up my life as opposed to filling it with happy memories. As much as I like having new things, I like having few things even better.

This… is a good beginning.

I noticed I said 'crunchy' more than once in my previous post. Must have been my buzzword that day.

Tachi has been and gone. What a whirlwind weekend! He arrived Friday, 11am. We checked him in, went for lunch at a Greek restaurant (the FIRST TIME he ate Greek food!), walked along the Beach across from Vanier Park, and then took one of the mini-ferries to Granville Island.

Taichi was amazed by the following: The fact that all the cars drive with their lights on during the day ("for safety," I said). The flashing 'stop' hand signal at the crosswalk (he thought it looked like someone waving and beckoning. In Japan, the 'don't walk' signal is a picture of a figure standing still). Fruit and veggies in the market, loosely and freely piled up (in Japan, everything is wrapped in singles and pairs and threes).

Everything was amazing to him. I was so glad to be a part of someone seeing Vancouver with freah eyes-- enthralled with funny things that I take for granted, like streets with names and gay pride on Davie Street and souvlaki.

It made me miss Japan a bit, too. OK, a LOT. I felt the old inner conflict as to whether or not I had made the right desicion when I came back to Canada. The feeling didn't last, though. Mostly because I am moving forward right now, rather than standing stock-still out of fear of moving in the wrong direction. I'll be in school in less than a month, and following that I'll be teaching English again. That makes me feel SO great.

Additionally, things are finally starting to move with my website. I dropped my camera last month and killed it quite dead, so I decided that instead of waiting until I can afford a new one to take pictures of my artwork with... what can I do? I gave my sketchbooks over to Amy at Fresh Marketing, and she is scanning them in. I am also in touch with Ann at myartspace.com (did I get that right? dunno) and I am going to an info session with them this Saturday. They have capabilities for scanning my larger artworks in. I'm stoked!

I have to look for alternative means of income at this time. Nathan wants to support me while I go to school, but his income doesn't really pack the punch we need. I appreciate his thoughtfullness, but it's clear that I will incur debt. So-- instead of standing still, what can I do? Sell artwork. Find out what the government is doing with my GST cheques. Etc. There's money out there. I just have to attract it. It'll be easy... I feel magnetic!

Back to Taichi. We had fun. Lots of it. Kat joined us on Saturday and we went to the Blodel Conservatory and Queen Elizabeth park, and then out to Aldergrove for Bekka's birthday party. Sunday he and I took the ferry to Victoria and saw the Snowbirds, a bicycle race, the Government buildings, the Empress hotel, and the Butchart Gardens. We utterly exhausted ourselves.

Now, I rest, and gear up for the next big thing. Love to you all, wonderful readers!

Namaste

September, as far as I’m concerned, is the time to make New Year’s Resolutions. Because this IS the REAL New Year. Crayons, crunchy leaves, cool breezes, bright sun. Crunchy apples. I don’t even LIKE apples all the rest of the year, but in September… yummmmmm.

I wan to adhere to a higher quality of interaction with people on a daily basis. I understand that our society frowns upon open displays of enthusiasm (unless you are an actor in a Joe FRESH commercial) but I am not going to allow my enthusiasm to be stymied. I also understand that we are judged by our actions, while we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions. These are New Year’s RESOLUTIONS, not INTENTIONS, so I guarantee ACTION.

I resolve to make the world brighter whenever I can. I resolve to kick pessimism to the curb. I resolve to be open to the shift and growth within, and not crush it out of fear of the unknown.

And now I resolve to get back to work, so that when I leave A-1 Pallet in October, I leave it better for having been here.

It’s HOT in this A-1 Pallet office. Eightch-Oh-Tee, Hawt. It’s been one of those days; everyone’s head has been down. We’ve all been working. There are no blinds on the window behind me; my back is cooking, my shoes are off, my forearms are slipping around in the sweat they have made on the desk.

Then I remember: my brother’s a firefighter. I don’t KNOW what hot IS.

* * * * * * * * * * *

My spot in the CELTA program has been verified, and I started fishing immediately for a couch/corner/closet to crash on/in for a month. I think I may have found a place to stay in downtown Vancouver… I just have to sort out some details. But it looks as though I may be able to pay my rent in drawings and stories with animals as the main characters. Cake-walk!

I’m so stoked… This next chapter of my life is unfolding as perfectly as a giant pink peony.

I did it. I think I'm in. Exhale...

I grossly miscalculated the amount of time it would take to get from Aldergrove to downtown Vancouver for the CELTA interview, and I was a horrifying half-hour late. I was only just embarking upon the Port Mann bridge at the moment the interview was about to begin-- upon hearing the time on the radio (no clock in the car, no watch, no cell phone) I came unhinged and bawled -- and I mean loud hiccupping sobs with snot and tears streaming-- for the entire span of the bridge. I decided to go in anyway. The worst that could happen would be that I would get kicked out before I began. In the grand scheme of things, that's not so bad. Snuffling and strangely cleansed, I drove calmly into Vancouver, parked, found the school, and was accepted as a belated participant into the group interview. And ultimately, accepted into the program (I'm pretty sure).

Nathan is pleased for me, proud, even. I am too. Just a little drained after yesterday. I still have to get ahold of mom and dad to share the news... I wish they'd hook up their answering machine! I think I'll need to find somewhere in Vancouver to stay for the month-long course so that the commute doesn't destroy me (financially and physically/emotionally)!

Interview for the CELTA program today. Wish me luck.

Sarah’s mom Donna is reading Eckhardt Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now”. I read it a few years ago, but I think it might be a good time to revisit it. It’s sticky reading, but it produces excellent personal results. Namely as sense of calm and acceptance for “WHAT IS.” Whatever it is.

We were talking about the book over lunch yesterday. Sarah didn’t come home for lunch yesterday, and I went on my own (usually we go for lunch at Sarah’s mom and dad’s house together—isn’t that cool? Spoiled is what I am). Something she got out of the book had to do with why we are so creative and ‘free’ in school, but find ourselves stymied once we enter the so-called ‘real world’. You know—the world of jobs and bills and relationships and responsibilities and… so on.

In school, the tasks are defined. What we do and don’t do is clear, distinct, simple. Between those spaces, our minds are free to enjoy the creative activities that we are engaged in. We grow easily, unabashedly. Outside of school, we suddenly have a lot more undefined responsibilities. How do you bake a potato and raise a family and pay taxes and balance chequebooks and find satisfaction in your career? There is no teacher telling us how or grading us on these things. We think hard about these things. The harder you think about something, the less likely you are actually be engaged in doing it.

Which is why I don’t talk about my artwork anymore. I don’t like to talk about it. If I’m talking and thinking and puzzling and planning… then I’m definitely not creating. And our egos… they love to plan. And plan, plannity-plan-plan plan. This amounts to the tenant of “Ready, Aim, aaaaiim… aaaaaaaaaaaaim…”

Me, I want the “Fire”.

BANG!

These are exciting times! I called the school I am interested in attending on Friday to see if they had any room left in the October session. A few spots remained; if I got my application in by Monday, there was a chance I could get in to an upcoming interview session. I put my application in yesterday (Monday)—and lo and behold, I have an interview this week!

Money will be tight, close to nonexistent, in fact. Surprisingly, I’m OK with this. It feels good to be going back to school on my own steam (or really, on my own debt). Besides, I can almost double my income with the jobs I can get with the certification I am going for. So debt doesn’t scare me. Much.

I feel like I’ve already got it, like I’m already in.

The weekend was jam-packed and fun. Nate and I travelled down to Everett, WA on Friday evening and spent the evening in a cheap-ass motel that had fleas and a mattress that sagged. We watched ‘Titanic’ on the tiny TV and ate American junk food (spicy Cheetos and Cherry Coke). The next day we went south to Bothell for the Koi show that Nate has been obsessing about for the past two months. He was a little disappointed that we didn’t enter any of our fish. (He had been prepping them for the show, making sure they were nice and shiny and happy and all of that, when one after another of them came down with carp colds and bloody lips and split fins and all of the myriad of koi maladies that I didn’t even know existed.) Anyway, he barely budged from the show tanks for the whole day, and even bought two more fish. Surprise, surprise. I explored the cute little ‘Country Village’ where the koi show was taking place – kind of like a themed outdoor mall/park. A mini steam train would chug through the parking lot, packed full of passive-looking kids and grandmas. I looked at hats and miniature porcelain mice and old-fashioned candy and antique furniture. I ate a gyro and a giant shortbread cookie covered in orange cream icing. I watched a glass blower teaching a little girl how to blow glass. I went back to the car, put the seat back and read my book. It was a nice day. The weather was great, and the drive home was smooth and easy.

Sunday we went to Wreck Beach. Everyone knows what happens at Wreck Beach! Body surfing in the ice-cold Pacific waters, body-watching (hee hee hee), and the covert purchase of a blue freezie with rum in it from a topless redhead. Fun for all!

Ummmm. Rummy freezie. What I want to know is—how did she get the rum inside?

Good weekend. Happy days.

I have been seriously examining my private journal from the time I spent in Japan. What surprises me in retrospect is how rosy I have painted the entire 'Japan' picture since returning to Canada last year.

The truth was/is that I was lonely, conflicted, unbalanced and uncertain for much of the time. I felt like I was living in a patriarchal alien zoo. I drank too much, neglected my health, ignored my creative impulses. Which isn't to say that I'm sorry I did it-- I'm just feeling less yearning to go back to that time now. And that's awesome.

I am so glad that I will be leaving my twenties in a matter of months! I already feel the certainty and empowerment that getting another decade under the belt brings.

Quote of the WEEK:

“Holding two sets of competing beliefs paralyzes them.”

-Martha Beck

I’ve been thinking about this one all week. It has been really relevant to me, as I think I have gone through much of my twenties holding two sets of competing beliefs simultaneously – ever paralyzed in one realm of my life or another. The key to getting past this is to make a choice. Any choice. Choosing is action, and action brings new choices and opportunities—so in essence, there can’t be any such thing as a bad decision. I also see this as a way to end fear about commitment. When you commit to a choice, you move forward – and even commitments have beginnings, middles and ends—so committing isn’t ‘forever’. (Thank you, Barbara Sher!) I can hack that.

Anyway.

I finally booked Taichi’s hotel for him. Wow, are Vancouver accommodations ever expensive! Poor Taichi thought he might get two hotel rooms for $200 a night (he wanted me to stay in the same hotel, as an easily accessible interpreter/tour guide/cultural hostess). Ha! Well, #1 -- I’m not so sure Nathan would have been entirely comfortable situation, and #2 – a cheapie room at the YWCA (with shared washrooms) runs $90 a night, so… I took a chance and booked him into a really beautiful suite with a Jacuzzi tub and a kitchenette and a King-sized bed. I figured if he has to spend around $180 a night for a decent two-star hotel room, he might as well spend the whole allotted $200 on himself and get something SUPERFINE. Right? Four stars for Taichi!

Other news regarding recent successes—I am pretty good at the ‘snake arms’ movement in belly dancing class. Yay for me. I have yet to master undulations. Or even really ‘get’ them, never mind ‘master’.

Oh, and the biggest best thing of all—I finally made a decision about my career. This is enormously satisfying. I had decided a little while ago, but wanted to talk to Sarah (aka my boss/best buddy) before I put it ‘out’ there. My goal is sustainable cultural immersion, therefore teaching English as a second language is a natural choice. I miss teaching, I miss the students, and I have very few ‘cons’ on my pro/con list for instructing ESL. I would love to possibly teach high school in the future, or perhaps be a travel writer— or this or that or the other thing. Any way I toss it, getting back into teaching English is a great first step towards any goal.

I finally feel empowered to want the things I really want, and not feel like I owe it to someone to behave a certain way or walk a particular path. There is no ‘straight line’ for me, and I am damn excited about it! Better than feeling apologetic for not jumping straight out of high school into a career as an art teacher, like many people assumed I would. Hooray!

The hardest thing about all of this so far is my relationship with Nathan – I suppose I did say that commitments have beginnings, middles and ends. Luckily he and I are able to talk about our relationship logically, and it’s beginning to be clear to both of us that while we may love each other, our life paths may take us in entirely separate directions. There’s no point in dragging Nate around the world if his dream is to live in the boonies raising koi and growing bonsai. And he doesn’t want to force me into loving his lifestyle either. We both already know that it won’t work. Right now we’re already living in that suspended state between two conflicting lifestyles. There is a sort generosity of spirit that comes from our being able to discuss these shiftings openly; I feel like now that the changes have been set in motion, we are enjoying each other’s company more than ever before. Now that we have been honest and clear with each other. Now that there is an ‘ending’ on the horizon.

I told you... big changes! Deep breaths, open heart.

Namaste,

Endrene

Last night’s strange dream…

I was flying on a jumbo jet, super-jumbo, like a Passport Services waiting room in the sky. There were rows upon rows of people—this sucker was full. The guy next to me was a Japanese man. He was so small that he had to sit in a booster seat, which he seemed to take in stride.

Suddenly things started to go terribly wrong. I think I first noticed it when turbulence sent somebody not wearing their seat belt straight up in the air, like a popping popcorn kernel. The plane started to shake violently. People started to scream. I was alarmed, but not freaked out—I was just kind of taking it all in. People continued to fly haphazardly around the inside of the plane alongside bags knocked out of storage and dinner trays (which sprayed corn everywhere). People were screaming and screaming.

The worst thing was that people were starting to get abusive with one another, and that was what was truly upsetting to me. A husband and wife turned against to each other, shrieking about how they both wished they’d never married. A scared fat woman with a mustache, big brown eyes, and a lime-green coat, tried to push past us, looking for somewhere safer. People in my aisle hurled insults at her.

At some point I turned to the little Japanese man beside me. He was calmer than everyone else, like me. We looked at each other and I held one of his small hands. I was thinking, “he understands…” but then he began to profess his love for me. I felt annoyed and disgusted with him, and maddened with everyone—like everyone had it wrong. Everyone had this moment of terror to get their lives right, and everyone was wasting their energy on useless emotions—anger, fury, bitterness, regret, fear, even love and passion. In being annoyed, I felt myself losing the grip of ‘rightness’. I let go of the man’s hand and turned to watch the disaster unfold.

It didn’t. The plane righted itself. People began to get up off of the floor, move back to their seats, pick corn out of their hair. Everyone had an air of embarrassment. People began to murmur apologies, make small jokes to pretend that nothing had happened. I was so shocked—it was as though everyone had just sold their collective souls, and now they were in denial of the momentous event.

I woke up, feeling like I was choking on an angry yell.

"Pain is the price you pay for resisting life. "

-Dr. Phil McGraw

Whatever any of us think about good ol' Dr. Pee McGee, this quote makes sense. So stop resisting, already!

Another weekend past—another week closer to September! This is the time of year that we all start to wonder what the heck happened to summer. Particularly if a) you are going back to school (which I am not) or b) you live in a climate which is rapidly cooling (which I do). I am especially annoyed by the waning days, as summer took far too long to get here in the first place. The cool beginnings made for a fantastic and extended blossom season, but the hot-hot days were far too few and far between.

My friend and former student Taichi Nakamura is coming to Vancouver in a couple of weeks. I am his designated tour guide, and I am feeling a little bit panicked as he wants to do the following in the space of three days: Go to Queen Elizabeth Park. See Canada Place. Go hiking. Ride a ferry to Victoria. See Butchart Gardens. Eat smoked salmon and oysters… OK, so it isn’t so bad. I’m just feeling a huge wave of overpowering obligation because I always have this sort of NEED to show Japanese people (any Japanese people, this includes strangers on the Skytrain too) how great BC is. And how nice and polite Canadians are (even if my own experience with my people might illustrate otherwise at times).

Anyway. He also wants me to book his hotel, and pick him up at the airport, and I am anxious because I’m not sure I’ll pick the right hotel. And I’m embarrassed by my junky little red go-cart car with the enormous crack in the windshield and the pervasive smell of wet dog—even though I don’t own a dog.

Why am I panicked? Why does this matter so much?

As long as he has fun, I’ll have fun too. And he’s never been here before, so he can’t have too many expectations—I hope.

I broke through.

I’ve been stuck, frustrated and deeply annoyed with myself, until 6:47pm on Tuesday evening.

I have been reading “I COULD DO ANYTHING, If I Only Knew What it Was” by Barbara Sher. At first, I was elated, because the exercises at the beginning of the book really led me to plow through the junk piles of “what if” and “I should” and “maybe I ought to”. I began to peel away my scabby guilt-gobs, to see what was plugging up the portal of my potential. A whole lot of stuff, it turns out!

I’ve been so afraid. Afraid to commit. Afraid to plunge into the depths of my abilities. Afraid to go for what I really wanted, because it’s always been easier to stay in roles where I knew how to please, how to be the ‘good employee’, the ‘good girl’. Not surprisingly, bringing these things into my complete consciousness unleashed a torrent of anger. I was furious at myself for wasting my own time, for not figuring this out sooner. Thankfully, Barbara Sher continually reminded me to be gentle with myself, to be forgiving—you can’t get angry at a car that doesn’t go, if the problem is that it’s out of gas. And you can’t get angry at yourself for utilizing the coping mechanisms you learned as a kid. All you can do is realize that you’re a grown-up now, and it’s time to find a better way to do things. A more fruitful way.

Regardless, I was still mad. I couldn’t find myself in the second part of the book, the part of the book that breaks down the various types of blockages and tells you what to do about them. I was getting frantic, reading three chapters at once, flipping between them, hoping the next page would be the one with the mirror.

On 6:47pm on Tuesday evening I found it, I found the mirror. I was trying to gulp down the last of the three chapters before my counseling session, so if nothing else, I could at least say to Gerry “I tried to use the book, but it didn’t work for me”. But it did!

I am a ‘Frustrated Diver’. To everyone on the outside, I appear to be a ‘Scanner’ (someone who needs to do and taste and try a little bit of everything). But what I really am is someone who desperately wants to dive, to get really deep into something—but I have allowed my fears to keep me floating on the surface. My fears have turned me into “Odd Job Joe” (as my brother once so kindly put it).

I think I instinctively knew that it was my high-speed scanning that sent me into my high-speed wobble, so I forced myself to try and ‘settle down’—because from the outside, that seemed like the good, normal, sane thing to do. I don’t think I thought very much about whether or not it was what I really wanted for myself. I got the job, the basement suite, the fish tank, the fiancé. Then I sat back and waited for the happiness to come. And it didn’t.

I pushed too hard. I tried to follow rules that were never really there. I tried to be the “good girl”.

Now everything is starting to open up again. I’m starting to feel passion and hope come flooding back in. I’m making plans. I’m dreaming dreams. I realize the next bits of my life might be scary and difficult— I'll have to make some big changes. But I realize that I’ll learn so much more than I ever could sitting still. I also realize that I can make these big changes by taking small steps.

I’ll be doing a lot more for the world by being wholly myself than I ever will by trying to ‘behave’ for the make-believe ‘someone else’.

"Do not wait for leaders. Do it alone, person to person."

- Mother Theresa

I hate it when nuts get caught in my teeth. I just mauled one of those Sweet and Salty Mixed Nut bars and a chunk has lodged itself in the small black hole that appeared behind my meat shredding teeth, following the loss of a filling. I don’t like nuts in my teeth, but I don’t like the dentist more. It’s a good thing that I am a habitual flosser.

Why are we all so sad? When did apathy become cool? Long before Emo, long before goth cool, before grunge… I remember how I savoured and coveted my little store of private enthusiasm in high-school. I couldn’t wait until University! Where everyone would be happy! Pep rallies! Football games and sunny days and ponytails and shiny white teeth!

Wow. Was I ever disappointed. My 1950’s Pop-Dream was dashed to pieces on the cold ubiquitous cement walls of SFU, circa 1997.

I have been drifting, searching for enthusiasm. Only recently have I discovered that my pervasive habit of stuffing desire down whenever it peeks up has been responsible for suffocating enthusiasm before it can shriek its announcement of life. It’s time to let desire and passion and gusto breathe freely. Hey, everybody! I’ve decided that I DON’T CARE if you think I’m odd when I blow bubbles on the beach, when I sing out loud in my car, when I start wiggling with joy over good gelato (or these days, over a good rice cracker with antipasto)!

Here’s the thing—being happy in and of yourself is MAGNETIC. It attracts good things to you; good people, prime situations, awesome opportunities. You know this if you’ve read the Secret, if you’ve read A New Earth—hell, you know it if you’ve taken the time to read the back of a box of Froot Loops. We get happiness and satisfaction out of deciding to be happy.

Making the decision, and following through on it isn’t easy, though. Maybe that’s why we all stay stuck and sad. Because there is no purple pill that can infuse us with this understanding. Being happy is work, even HARD work. But I think it’s worth it.

I was looking at some of my posts from when I lived in Japan, and decided to scroll thought them randomly. I ended up selecting December 5th, 2006… which began with my tale of woe about “chronic (something) of the patellae” – knee trouble—and ended with me sobbing into my clean socks in the laundry room of Dia Palace Sakosanbancho, Tokushima. Habit of Happiness? I was slipping there.

The entry previous to that one was a slap-dash list of the events I experienced in Kyoto when I travelled there with Ume and her mom—it brought back glimmers of memories that I had almost forgotten about. Like wandering around the labyrinth of the geisha district, hoping to see one; eating tiny perfectly shaped creamy Kyoto tofu in a restaurant the size of a small bedroom; sitting among the little red-dressed buddhas and slabs of indecipherable carved rocks on Inariyama, watching the yellow leaves drift down. We even experienced a “Fox’s Wedding” on Inariyama—when the sun shines and the rain falls at the same time. It was gorgeous, and perfect, because we were near an Inari shrine at that moment, and Inari is a shape-shifting goddess whose primary messengers are white foxes. Additionally, I sort of took the foxes on as my patron spirits while I lived in Japan, and never passed up an opportunity to stop at a fox shrine if I came across one. (Although most of my male Japanese friends did not think highly of the foxes—they are associated with sneaky devious female wiles—which might conversely be why I liked them so much).

Anyway—back to the sobbing in the socks part. I was lonely. I didn’t know what I was doing, and yet I look back, and I can see that I WAS doing. Doing something. Teaching. Working. Exploring. I think what happened was once the newness and freshness of my adventure wore off, I was once again struck with a crisis of meaning. I knew all the dirty words in Japanese, and a good smattering of clean ones. I had been to an onsen, eaten fugu, dressed up like a geisha. I wanted (and still do want) to have my work, my time on this earth, be of some value and significance—and not just to myself. I want work that engages me fully AND presents opportunities for adventure AND does good things for others. I will find this work! It is my solemn promise to myself. Additionally, a friend of mine reminded me that I had given myself until this coming September to figure out what my next move would be, and she’s going to hold me to it—so if I can’t do it for me, I can always do it for someone else! (^_~)

I’m working on this, I really am. There is nothing I want more than to bring the wholeness of myself—my creativity, empathy, my ability to create beauty, my own particular ‘light’—to the world, and share it as a gift, as I was meant to. Remember this, everyone: in the history of the universe, there will never be another person exactly like you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Endrene wholeheartedly recommends “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was” by Barbara Sher… the best first step she has ever come across for finding your true calling!

I got clipped by a truck when I was riding my bike today-- he knocked me right off my bike, and I tumbled to the shoulder of the road. I was unhurt-- but geez! I sat up quickly enough to see him drive away... luckily I got his license plate number. Who DOES that? Who hits a person and drives away? Ha! The cops are after you now, buddy! I might not have called them if you'd actually stopped to see if I was OK! Wienerhead!

Karma gets you every time, and sometimes Karma comes in a police cruiser. Speaking of which, I guess I have to earn up a little more good karma if I'm the one getting smacked by pickup trucks...

Wear your helmet, folks!