Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I received some sort of 'tag' from my fabulous friend, the Divine Lady K, and now am expected to list six strange things about myself, then 'tag' six other bloggers. While I do write a blog, I am hopelessly out of touch with any sort of Internet community, so I will write the six weird things but I won't go about tagging others. (Mostly because I don't know how). Let's see...

1) My parents don't even know this: When I was in high school I had a strange paranoia about dying from spontaneous human combustion. I think I read about it in some paranormal book in the library, then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I remember sitting in my Business Ed class, and my feet were sweating, and I was thinking, "oh, how embarrassing, I'm going to combust in front of Mike Sutch," who at the time was beyond cool. Every time my feet got hot, I thought I was going to go up in flames. Which is doubly ridiculous, because if you've seen the pictures of combustion victims, usually the only thing remaining is their feet.

2) I can hand write backwards. I took a stab at writing my journals this way until I realized I was focusing too hard on writing backwards to remember to say anything interesting.

3) My eyes change colour. They are usually blue, but sometimes they are grey or green, or some mix of all three. It says they are hazel on my drivers license, which they absolutely are not and have never been.

4) My hands are about the same size, but my right thumb is significantly bigger than my left thumb. I assume this is because I sucked it until I was 11 years old. I only stopped because I had some torture device put in by the orthodontist at the time to cure my cross-bite, and my thumb didn't fit anymore. I don't think my cross-bite was much improved, but I was saved from having an enormous wrinkly right thumb and buck-teeth.

5) My knee-caps sweat when I get nervous.

6) I really, genuinely like natto. And lots of other Japanese foods that most foreigners won't touch. I hope that I just didn't talk myself into liking natto so that I could show off... but the health benefits are great, and they have a nice stinky tang to them. My Japanese 'father', Bubu, makes a killer cheese-natto okonomiyaki.

I'll have some more news in a couple of days... in the meantime, know that I am coping well, and am back to a 'happy place' (I never mope for long) and I will be looking into buying some plane tickets pretty soon. Like, tomorrow.

Namaste,

endrene

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I have an enormous crush on Shokupanman, a flying superhero bread-man, although to be honest, Anpan (sweet bean buns) are the tastiest. So, it's no wonder that Anapnman is the most popular of these bizarre anime characters.

http://www.netgeist.com/Anpan-land/AnpanFAQ.htm

Now I'm off to the stone-artist's shop to purchase myself my final and long-coveted birthday present with the money that mom and dad sent me... a one-foot high granite Shokupanman sculpture, destined to be my greatest and most apt memento of my life in Japan. Apt because he is carved in stone like so manymanymany of the buddhas and oni and guardians of the shrines that I have observed and been observed by. And because he is a flying bread-man superhero. He doesn't make sense! He is Japan! He is cute nonsensical ridiculousness, guardian of his secret headquarters deep inside Toaster Mountain, captured in his tasty heroic pose forever!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The last ham I ate was in the cafeteria at OUC's north campus, one winter night. I liked ham before that, but that night it occurred to me that ham tastes like people probably taste. Salty and pink and fatty. This disturbing thought didn't spur me to forgo bacon or pork chops however, so perhaps I ought to give ham another try.

Either that or obey may conscience and become a vegan...

...nahhhhhh.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

My unhappiness here spurred an onslaught of generosity and helpful suggestions and offerings of hope and support that I will be forever grateful for. I have no doubt that it's normal to feel lost and drifting when one has been living as an over sized square peg in a round hole for well over a year.

My brother was right. It's probably silly to imagine that the grass is any greener in Canada, especially from what I hear about the weather this year-- there isn't any grass to be seen! But it's not necessarily that I feel that life would be any easier or any more interesting in Canada. I'm craving a sense of fitting in. Being special is fine, for a while, but it gets old. And I just haven't gotten used to some things, like being reprimanded by those closest to me for eating too much, and constantly being told that I should diet. I suppose if I came home again, it might not be a forever-thing. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do for work, or how I'm going to go about it, although living and working here has certainly given me a sense of perspective that I never had before.

In many ways, Carol hit the nail on the head by suggesting that I may have accomplished what I set out to accomplish by coming here. My original motivations were to see whether or not I was cut out for teaching, and to experience the Japanese culture in a more intimate way than my short home stays 13 years ago allowed. I've stayed long enough now to have completed a full cycle; already in the grocery stores I'm recognizing things that greeted me a year ago, when they were new and confusing; the packets of soybeans that are to be tossed out your door for Setsubun (February 3rd) and oni (devil) masks that the children wear to frighten the bad demons away, the racks and racks of chocolate-making kits for girls to use to impress their boyfriends on Valentine's Day. The commercials on TV have gently shifted from the warm cup-o-soup in snowy Hokkaido type, to the slow approach of the bursting cherry-blossom spring type. I feel like I've completed a circle. And could it possibly be any better the second time through? I'm reminded of a camping trip I went on with my friends from the OUC student union during my 3rd year in university. It was the Easter long-weekend, and it was absolutely magical, everything about it. The warmth and comfort we felt from each other's friendships, the brightness of the stars, the music that came so beautifully from some guy's guitar and heart. It was so wonderful, we decided to do it again the next year, after our graduations had commenced. But everything had changed. The relationships had shifted and divided; different people were included, others didn't return. The weather was cold. There was a nasty undercurrent of discontent and fear as we all faced our uncertain futures. I can't try to recreate the newness and amazement I felt a year ago. I could certainly go on trying new things and seeing new places in Japan, but I would do it with a kind of confidence that takes the sparkle off of an adventure. Not that I regret a moment of gaining this confidence and ease of living, but I do recognize it as a marker of sorts.

Thank so much to Shona and Ash for your suggestions and observations. Having lived here yourselves, you know that it isn't always a bed of tsubaki, and that the best way to keep going is to keep going, seeing, trying, experiencing. In fact, I've booked a day trip to Dogo Onsen for this coming Friday, as that was one of the MUST DO things I still hadn't done. My coworker Melissa and I are discussing getting tickets for the next Sumo Basho (tournament) in Osaka in March. I'm not giving up, and I'm not stopping until the moment I leave, that's for certain. I did consider transferring to another school or working for another company for a change of pace, but I do like the sense of home and family I've found in Tokushima; Bubu's family in particular has been a rock-solid foundation for me, and there's been nothing better for my homesickness than going into Bubu's shop for a pep-talk. "Hmmm," he observed last week, "homesick makes you like strange! You forget how to live in Japan!" He does his best to lift me up, suggest what to do and where to go, and of course gives me the usual unwelcome advice about diet and exercise. I have re-applied for my visa, but foolishly only applied for the one-year extension; at the time, I didn't consider that getting the three-year visa would open things up for me should I decide to return in the near future. But for now, the one extra year feels like more than enough.

Oh yes, I do have gypsy-toes, Lady K, and like I said before, there is no way to be absolutely sure that where I land next will be where I stay. But that's true for anyone. I won't be leaving here right away; as Bubu said to me, the most important part of anything is the ending. He actually used some Japanese analogy about ducks in a pond swimming and swimming and making the pond mucky, and the pond becoming clear when the ducks leave... I kind of get it. But-- am I the ducks? Or the pond? Or the force which draws the ducks away from the pond so that the pond can become clear? Or do I only become clear once the 'ducks' leave my 'pond'? Anyway, to wrap things up gracefully and well, I'll need a little bit of time. The cheapest flights are early March (too soon); the next cheapest are in early June, so those will be the ones I'm looking at. A nicer time to travel anyway, as I'd like to make a few international pit-stops on my journey home. And sure, Jess and Ryan, I'll look in to making my final plane land in Victoria. But I don't like ham.

What can I say that hasn't been said? I miss the sense of fitting in, of belonging and being that comes with knowing your home, and your home knowing you. I miss my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandparents, and the friends that have become family to me over the years; I know who you are now, because you have been the ones whose hearts have been closest to me while I have been all these miles away. There's something to be said for distance in terms of sorting the rice from the chaff. Or the wax from the dross. Or whatever you will.

The final words come from a very recent email from my good and talented friend, Tyson Reilly.

"...the experiences and memories will be carried in your heart, and I know will be expressed through your unbelievable talents. This is what you need to take with you, and leave the stress and longing behind. Go with what your heart says, and you can make no mistake. Life is about moving on, especially when you are not happy. Do not settle, do not sell yourself short because YOU DESERVE THE BEST!! The best of life, the best of love, the best of happiness. I know very well how hard it can be to leave some place like that, I take it as a bungee jump: close my eyes and let myself go. Yeah, the rushing wind and earth growing below me is scary as hell, but I will only kiss the river and walk into a new world, perhaps test waters I haven't tested yet. But I like looking forward to new experiences, and always wonder what is in store for me. Discovery is the excitement of life... in a nutshell, I know you miss home, and I have a feeling home misses you. I know I do."


Namaste

Endrene

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Reasons to Go

* I don't feel respected by my company
* I'm dreaming about being home every other night
* I want to be a grown-up, which means advancing myself and challenging myself
*The things I crave are not available to me here; namely a broader sense of community (apart from the small community of teachers and assorted English-speaking pirates of Tokushima)
*I want to have more and better access to natural spaces
*I miss my family and friends
*I'd like to live in a bigger apartment
*I'd like to engage in more in-depth conversations than allowed by current language barriers
*Campfires
*I'd like to start a family at some point; I can't imagine subjecting my future children to the Japanese school system (not that I can say a great amount of nice things in favour of the Canadian school system)
*I'd like to stop feeling enormous on a daily basis, because I'M NOT ENORMOUS
*Because... I feel like it's time to go


Reasons to Stay

*Japanese food, Japanese food, Japanese food, OH! Japanese food!
*Japanese young men (my new gold standard for gorgeousness)
*My students
*There's still SO MUCH I haven't seen or done or tasted or experienced; Sumo, the Sapporo Snow Festival, Dogo Onsen, Hiroshima...
*Japanese influence on my art practices and daily manners
*Onsens
*I haven't learned enough Japanese to be satisfied with my progress... then again, I haven't exactly tossed my entire being into the pursuit of language acquisition


Wow. I'm surprised by the weakness of my Reasons to Stay list. Especially since I know very well that I can get most of the ingredients I need for my favorite Japanese foods at the T&T supermarkets in the greater Vancouver area. And that there are a lot of good-looking Asian dudes in the greater Vancouver area too... And I just reviewed my Reasons to Go list, and I think the last statement says it best, and most succinctly. Why talk your heart into something that it already knows is wrong?

Any recommendations as to where to find the cheapest flights online?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Hope I haven't given the impression that I'm not going to write about my life in Japan anymore. However, a series of unpleasantries has made me less than enthusiastic for my present situation. So while I sort myself out, I hereby submit the following results from www.quizgalaxy.com (thanks for the link, Lady K) for your amusement, and as kind of 'Under Construction, Your Patience is Appreciated' sign.

What will my epitath say? Endrene, Gone Underground for Good

How will I be defined in the dictionary? Endrene (noun): an immortal

Who should paint my portrait? Pablo Picasso (which is weird, because I really don't like him. Besides, he's dead.)

How psychic am I? 73% (???)

Oooookayyy. Think I've had enough fun-time. Time for Relax-time. More Youtube. Maybe the Muppet Show. I'll write again when I've got some semblance of a life again.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Two things I've found on www.youtube.com that are worth checking out; one is a weirdly cool music video called 'My Hands are Bananas'. Make sure you watch the real 'My Hands are Bananas', the black-and-white one, with young people singing with German accents. And the Milky Pirate. And the other thing is called 'Spit Art' where a dude draws on the pavement by dribbling water from his mouth. I've done stuff like that, so I can appreciate it; it's good to make art out of whatever stands still.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Another one of those weeks has passed-- one of those that I seemed to jam a freaking lifetime of experience into. Apropos, I am exhausted and not a little bewildered to find that I am at the jarring end of my 'vacation' week. It went something like this:

God I can't wait until I have a week off! Bowling? OK, let's do that Friday. Let's go hiking, too--- OK, maybe, how about when I get back from Tokyo? You want to meet me when? Now? OK. Wow, I'm tired, but I have to get packed for Tokyo. The shrine for New Year's eve? OK, sounds great, see you at 11pm... it should only take a couple of hours, right? Because I'm flying in the morning. Wow, this is a crazy traffic jam, everyone is going to the same shrine? This is amazing... look at the time, 5am! Maybe I can get a couple of hours of sleep before the flight. Maybe I can sleep on the flight. No. Well, that's OK. Hi Sumiko, hi Kazuo, Yu-chan, Tomoya-kun, nice to see you too, yes, let's catch the bus to Tsukuba. Yes, a bath would be nice. Ah, that was lovely, goodnight. Good Morning! Yes, let's go to Mashiko to see the famous pottery, wow, look at all of this pottery, what a lot of pottery, (good god, I think I've seen enough pottery)... yes, let's go back to Tsukuba. Goodnight. Good morning, thank you so much for everything, let's catch the trains to the airport, thank you, you've been excessively kind... Oh hi Makoto, thanks for coming to pick me up, hey, do you know how to get to Komatsushima? I have to renew my visa, you can drive me there tomorrow? That's great! Goodnight. Good morning, yeah, let's go-- ooh, Komatsushima is creepy... that was easy, thanks again, see you later. Oh hi Melissa, sure, let's go to an onsen. Oh hi Miho-- what, a nabe party? Where? My place? Ummm... OK. Melissa, want to come to a nabe party? OK, great, we'll go to my place when we're done here. Sure Kayo, I can read your tarot cards. Thanks for the party you guys, that was great. Yeah, I've got to get to bed, I've got a private student in the morning. No, really. I want to sleep now. No, really, really. Oh crap, I missed my alarm. Harunobu, I'm going to be about 10 minutes late, OK? Thanks so much, see you soon! Hello, good morning, Harunobu...

That brings us to today. My lesson ended, I was paid, I stopped in for a quick chat with Bubu at his shop, then back to my apartment to take my vitamins and to do a swift clean, and then here, to the Internet cafe. I've plugged myself into this computer as though it's an I.V. ... a source of quietude and solitary entertainment, blessed peaceful reflection. I've found a great website called www.pandora.com (I'm sure anyone who spends more than an hour a week on the Internet already knows about it)... anyway, I can type in the name of a band or a song I like, and then the website automatically searches, sorts and sends me a live stream of similar music... it's like being able to create your own radio station. Next I'm going to check out www.youtube.com and see if I can't find a movie I'd like to watch. It's cheaper (and easier, and more private) than going to the movie theatre. I've always been opposed to this kind of computer-focused solitary entertainment, because I think it's damaging to society as a whole; we don't know how to get out and interact in real time anymore. And I tend to blame computers and cell phones and the people who use them to the exclusion of real life. And then there are days like today. I just want to be quietly and privately amused, and I cannot think of anything better than sitting in this little cubicle, drinking my free tea and listening to... a band called 'Seven Nations'. Maybe that's not necessarily useful, but hell, I ought to get off of my high horse and stretch my legs for a bit.

Mom's birthday today. Happy, happy birthday, mom! Let's hope that it doesn't take me six months to get your birthday gift to you this year.

Could I say more? Fill you in on the amazing details of my vacation, like seeing the Japanese nun with the tiny black-clad feet in the bathroom at Haneda airport? And the girls in winter kimono, wearing glittering makeup and sharing a shivering Chihuahua at the jam-packed, incense-scented 3am shrine in Naruto , early-early on January first? Oooh, I could. But forgive me. I'm tired, and I want to play alone.

Namaste

Endrene