I have chondromalacia of my patellae. At least, that was the phrase the doctor pointed to after showing me my x-rays. Am I scaring you yet? No big deal, really, it's just mild chondromalacia of the patellae. What it comes down to is that I used my knee too much in Kyoto, walking up and down temple steps and racing to catch trains and buses, and through shopping arcades and over and through and around and under and back. Then to Nara, to see the deer among the flashing golden colours of the park, the Daibutsu (giant Buddha) with a pinkie finger as large as an average Japanese man, and shopping, and a jillion million leaves in rocket red and alarming yellow and flourescent coral. I saw the thousand red tori gates of Inariyama. I saw the golden temple. I saw the famous zen rock garden. I saw Ninna-ji, and one of the three great gates of Kyoto. I saw the second palace of the... guy. An important guy. And of course, I saw Takarazuka. I think I got myself too hyped up about it; the first story was a historical drama about a samurai named Sakamoto Ryoma and his lover-- not bad, but hard to follow the politics. The stage decoration was weak, the costumes were pretty simple. Ryoma was murdered before intermission, so part two was a disaster called "I LOVE CHOPIN!"... bad dancing and weird costumes. A little trippy, a little laughable-- my friend Ume fell asleep.

Whew. An amazing adventure, to be sure. A million little details assaulted my mind, and I am sure that they will come filtering out in my art and writing for years to come. For now, I am coping with the trauma of being back in Tokushima. God, I make it sound like some horrible thing, being here, now. It's not so bad, it can't be so bad. There are no wars, no starving people. There is a good job, and an apartment in need of dusting, and my little bit of loneliness. I am working on remembering all the good things in my life, to be thankful, etc... and then there are days like yesterday when I just stand in the laundry room sobbing into my clean socks.

I can't say what the matter is, because when I try to figure it out myself, I feel ungrateful. I have so much, and so many good people in my life who hold me up and support me in so many ways; my friends and family who send me thoughtful gifts and postcards and email messages; my Japanese friends who tour me around Kyoto and drop work to take me to the Orthopedic surgeon. I don't lack for love. Only for assurance. What am I doing here?