I have been working diligently (with only occasional procrastinatory breaks) on my lesson plans and preparations for the classes I will begin to teach this coming Monday. Truth be told, I haven’t gotten as far as I would have liked. By now, I feel as though I should have the entire first week mapped out, and instead I have only a blurry outline of the first two days. But haven’t I said that I don’t believe in ‘should haves’? I have. I don’t. If there is a reason behind my snail’s pace, I am slow to reveal it to myself.

Let’s think. It could be that my mind is playing the ego-based game of ‘scramble’—the ego loves when chaos reigns, because the ego thrives in chaotic environments. It’s easy to ignore our true selves when we are immersed in the frantic panic of deadlines and ‘should-haves’ and ‘ought-tos’.

It could be that I’m thinking about turning 30. I guess I thought I should have (Doh!) been ready for kids by now. I’m not. I don’t feel much remorse about not wanting to have kids, about not wanting to get married, about not being able to give anyone a clear answer when they ask me “What’s next, Endrené?” I just feel good, mostly. I don’t feel sad to be leaving my twenties… not in the slightest. I am thrilled, in fact, to be entering this new decade of self-assurance, strength, and challenge. If there is any kind of disappointment attached to this birthday, it is that I do not have the dough or the time to celebrate it the way I REALLY want to—by myself, on a beach, somewhere warm. However, I can look at this YEAR as MY YEAR, and accumulate the needed dough and allot the necessary time so that at some point this year, I can celebrate myself exactly the way I have envisioned. I had wanted badly to go to the Burning Man Festival this year… but I find myself asking… why? I’m not particularly social, not on a mass scale like that. I like my interactions to be tight and intense- and brief. I don’t like crowds. I’ll revisit that one later.

It could be that I have been reflecting on my ‘resolutions’, or perhaps—‘realizations’ is more like it. Winter is always a reflective time, due largely to the inclement weather and the pervasive darkness—but that’s beside the point. The points are: I am tired of taking advice. I take a lot of it. I look for clues, answers, outside help, public opinion. I craft my response to the world in the way that will make the world happiness. I say that I like movies that I don’t. I try to like everything, in fact, for fear of offending someone. In that spirit, instead of listing things I think I would like to try or learn about in the next year, here are a list of ‘don’t likes’ that I am not willing to waffle about. Not this year, anyway:

I don’t like LED Christmas lights. DON’T DON’T DON’T!
I will not try skateboarding or snowboarding.
I don’t like romantic movies with predictable plots.
I don’t like ANY movie with a predictable plot.
I LIKE weird, unhappy movies.
I like to watch most movies once, and only once, with few exceptions.
I don’t want to teach art. TO ANYBODY. I want to teach English!
I don't want to own property. Not this year. Maybe never.
I don't want more STUFFffffff!

OK, the list isn’t that long. Complaining isn’t healthy anyway. I just want it made clear to the universe that I plan to take my own opinions seriously from now on, so any universal influence has to come from nearer to my own heart. No more billboard prophets.

I have been isolating myself quite a bit lately—I’m not sure if it’s out of habit, disposition, or by choice. All I know is that I don’t get out very much, and I’m totally fine with it. I’ve been incubating. I sometimes wish that I could have a warmer social life… but even in my isolation, I find that I don’t get as much alone time as I would like. Enough nurturing, creative, alone time. Good lord, I sound like Oprah.

Did I ever reach any sort of point? I just vented. Anyway… good things are coming. For me, for you, for the world. Listen closely to your true self. Don’t pass judgment on others; remember that the only person you have any control over is yourself. Use that control to do good, to be good goodness and light unto this world. Speak peaceful words, thankful words; let all words of judgment curl and dry and blow away like brown leaves before they reach your lips. Covet nothing, no-one. Move forward gently, soundlessly, with showers of multicoloured petals falling in your wake. Let your goodness speak for you. The air you breathe is enough. Your smile is enough. Your warm small hands, doing warm small things; this is enough.

Namaste,

Endrené