I’m almost totally disconnected right now. I haven’t been phoning anyone. Not many people have been phoning me. My mom, maybe? She phones. She’s worried about me. Nate’s been phoning. He’s all moved out now, living on Vancouver Island, as per his dream. He already sounds happier… friends to play with, things to do. He has the sound of hope in his voice. A portion of that hope is pointed at me. Hoping I’ll move out there.

Nate moved out on Saturday. After he left, I moved furniture around the basement suite. The couch angled here, the computer table swivels to the corner, the easel treks across the room with the unfinished painting onboard. I’m still moving things around. Inspecting piles of papers, bills, photographs… I even found a misplaced GST rebate cheque. Bonus. I’ve been wiping up dust with lemon-scented wipes, washing my sheets, my clothes. I haven’t settled in yet. I haven’t found a rhythm, a comfortable way to be without Nathan here. I’m not unhappy. I’m not bored. I’m not lonely. I’m… unsettled.

People want to know what’s next. I have nothing to tell them. That’s why I’m not calling anyone, not seeing anyone outside of work. I don’t really know what I want; the unknowing baffles me, muffles me. Home? Family? Career? Lifestyle? Money? Travel? Simplicity? Domesticity? Obligation? Reparation?

I make no move to contact people who are displeased with me. I make no move to contact people who are waiting on me to wake up, or whatever it is they are waiting for. I do not want to disappoint anyone, so best just to stay out of everyone’s life altogether.

In my heart, all the answers are there. I can’t hear my heart, my brain is so loud. I need this quiet time now. I need this resonance. This dark aisle leading to a personal Renaissance.

I don't know what I am doing, staying up late. I have an amazingly long day ahead of me tomorrow. I am going for an ultrasound on my left boobie... found a lump a while back. I'm not worried about it, though, because my GP said that breast cancer pretty much never hurts, and this little sucker goes through a startling monthly cycle of pain. She figures it's a cyst. Here's hoping. Also, tomorrow is garbage day, and I have to finish my lesson plan for class tomorrow, and I have to get the suite tidy and ready for showing... I talked to my landlord about decreasing the rent, possibly, maybe? But he figured he could get the price he wanted from someone else. So I'm moving at the end of February... don't ask me where to. I don't know. I'm OK with not knowing. I hope you are, too.

Sweet, meaningful, abundant, restful dreams...